the fallacy of finding oneself

Have you been sucked into the lie that what you really ARE is something you need to find, or discover, or recover?  And then heal or train or perfect?  It’s commonly touted by earnest souls with a course, program, book or DVD to sell.

I was an eager member of their audience in my dreamtime march toward betterment.  It was all good fun and perhaps helped shape the ‘me’-ing being into a more accomplished/productive/compliant ‘person.’  But none of it led me to my ‘true’ self.  It just created different versions of the wee-me that was a totally addicted seeker.

Meanwhile, the Self I was seeking simply watched, utterly unaffected.  One day I stopped being busy with the me-ing long enough to cast a glance over my shoulder, metaphorically-speaking.  And there IT was.  Already perfect, already total, already all I had hoped to know and to be.

The shock of it! Of realizing one had fallen for the fallacy of separation when no such estrangement could ever be possible for one second…

The sweetness of the relief! Of knowing that nothing could ever be done to bring one closer to – or take one away from – this intimacy…

The joy of it!  Of knowing that the wild creative awake Beingness that one longed for is here, and always has been:

doing Life ITs own way and calling ITself “ME”

– billions, trillions, of versions of IT,

all called “ME”!

~ miriam louisa


worlds and gods will disappear, but this will not


Back in January I wrote a post to honor the passing of the last of my ancient aunties. Today I am heavy with news that the last of the ancient uncles has joined her. Back in September last year I wrote about a visit with my beloved mother’s big bro – he was getting ready to be 99 on October 1.

Well, he was ready good and proper, and we had a wonder-full day out with him – lunching at the restaurant he and Aunty Helen used to frequent, driving him along the coast and up the Kaimai Range, and finally delivering him – weary and happy – back to his little room at the retirement village. We left him with promises that it would all happen again this year for his 100th birthday. He was so delighted – and de-light-full.

The spectacular dawn photograph in my last post – shining mind, radiant perfection – was taken last October from my hermitage up in those Kaimai Ranges. And the view over the coast with Mount Maunganui bathed in light would have revealed the village where Uncle lived, had there been more light. As I write today I am in Queensland, Australia, and I marvel that life wanted that particular photo posted – with its glorious light emerging from heavy cloud. That particular photo; that particular place.

Then the news came from my cousin. It’s ridiculous, I know, to be saddened by the departure of one so ancient. But one is never ready. And – it’s not just about him, although his gentle, twinkling, intelligent presence will be missed; it’s the end of an era. There are no more ancients left in this clan – and – we are the replacements!

Am I ready to be 99? Actually I don’t even know if I’m ready to be 68 on my next birthday. What I do know is that I’m ready for life now, whatever it dishes up. I must be getting really old to be able to say that. I no longer have a sense that I’ve missed something in life; the seeker-self has been awol longtime. That doesn’t mean I no longer get up revving to get stuck into the day – quite the contrary. Life is juicier and more wondrous by the day. Perhaps that means I am ready? Bring it on!

What is not stable and permanent, let go.

There is only one thing left.

Worlds and gods will disappear, but This will not.

When you are reminded of this keep your eye on it,
not with the intention of having it, but just to BE it!

All the things you want are in the “let go” category:
house, wife, body, parents, gods, let go.

What is left?  What cannot go?  That you ARE!

You cannot go because you have never come
and anything that comes must go.

Find out what it is.

– Papaji


it’s totally beyond me…

Sitting this morning at summer’s window
what quirk of destiny’s unfolding
to the conviction of separation in
a human mind

How is it possible to so thoroughly
in something (a solid independent ‘me’)
that has never been able to be proven
to exist?

How is it possible to turn this
into a seeker who desperately
to be free of itself and its stories? (huh?)

How is it possible to
the in-your-face obvious and
that the present presents with
every nano-second of aliveness?

How could anything so
and unavoidable
turn into a mystery, a concept
that would fuel galaxies of
religious and philosophical

It’s totally beyond me…

(literally and figuratively)

But it’s bloody marvelous all the same.


~ miriam louisa


stalking the seeker-self

Wholeness doesn’t play games. Wholeness (aka freedom) is at the beginning, not at the end. It isn’t an outcome. It doesn’t occur in time, and the waiting game is, with respect, just another game, an entertainment.

Seeking is the natural movement of Wholeness returning to Itself.
Waiting isn’t a movement. It’s the static strategy of a tenacious seeker-self.

Stalking the seeker-self seems to me to be crucial. It’s an authentic part of the movement of genuine “seeking”. (A while back I posted a poem of David Whyte’s – sitting zen– which expresses this tracking with haunting beauty.)

Whatever psychological or spiritual weapons are used in the hunt, the basic process boils down to a bottom line where one simply stops “… in mutual and respectful quiet”.

One stops stalling. Stops waiting. Stops story-telling.

Stops, without a “so that …”, or an “in order to …

Stopping is lethal to seeker-selves of all faiths and denominations. It’s also probably the most compassionate, loving thing one can do for oneself. (And the world.)

– miriam louisa

make no apology

This Unlit Light: who is not enlightened?


Why is it so hard to accept that one is already fully, utterly wideawake?

I’ve a wispy memory of beloved Ramesh writing in one of his books that this acceptance is perhaps the ultimate hurdle for the seeker. And herein lies the clue: the seeker.

The seeker-self  is about to become redundant. Totally irrelevant. The seeker-self is smelling its own death. It cannot afford to accept the awesome and evident fact that seeking – which is the natural movement of Wholeness returning to Itself – is not the action of a self of any description. The seeker-self is a construct, just like any other version of a self. And it turns out it’s the only impediment to the search!

It is only when you hunt for it that you lose it.  But then you cannot get rid of it.  And while you cannot do either, you remain silent and it speaks.  You speak and it is gone.  The great gate of charity is wide open, with no obstacles before it.
~ Lao Tzu

For the weary, frustrated, disgusted, infuriated seeker-self the days are numbered. There will be a eureka. In its own good time, according to its own pattern. It will be a eureka moment that renews and relights itself with every breath. And when that comes to pass you will know that it is simply ridiculous to deny it. Why would you apologize for what you are?

You hear the birds?
You see the sun?
Who is not enlightened?
~ Zen saying