kitchen sink epiphany

In her book When Fear Falls Away Jan Frazier gives us a privileged, intimate view of her mundane daily experiences in the light of her awakening. This little extract is from a piece she wrote titled “A Visceral Experience of Immortality: April 22.” In it, she is happily doing the dishes when she suddenly understands something “fundamental about existence”; a long-held idea moves from the concept compartment and becomes an experienced reality.

It brought to mind the words my mother uttered (shortly after she announced she was “going to die now”) as I leaned over her, whispering my thanks for being the perfect mother and friend to me:

But I always will be – it never ends!

kitchen sink epiphany

I was standing at the sink doing the dishes, chanting, looking out the window. The kitchen sink is turning out to be the place where great realisations seem to happen. I love to chant, and I love to look out the window at the green world, where at a moment’s notice a creature might amble into the yard, its feet quick over the new grass, the sniffing nose collecting data, gathering intelligence of possible danger, possible food. I love the window. Do I love washing dishes? Well, I do. It is what gives me an excuse to look out the window and chant.

So I was doing that this morning, happy as could be. Tingly with happiness. (I get like this a lot.) I was feeling a really sustained surge of delight at simply being alive. The world outside the window pouring into my eyes, my nostrils, every possible portal – and I felt myself pouring out into the world. And I thought how great it is to be conscious, to be alive. I said to myself, I’m so glad to be alive. Consciousness is a total gas. I just want this to go on and on.

And that’s when I realised it. Viscerally, I mean, for the first time in my life. Oh my God, it IS going to go on. Forever. THIS is what keeps steady, this very sensation – even past death. I won’t have to do without, ever.

I have believed this for a long time, belief being a thing that lives in the mind. I have had the idea of immortality, of continuity between physical life and post-physical life. But that moment in front of the sink, experiencing the very body of continuity, I realised something: I only thought I got it before, the idea of consciousness being eternal. But I never really got it before, not until right this second.

I couldn’t get over it. I never have to stop! Body or not. This will be my experience, clear past death – which will be a little road bump, if I even notice it.

Jan Frazier

When Fear Falls Away: The Story of a Sudden Awakening

If you enjoy Jan’s writing, you might be interested in another excerpt (on undivided perception) I posted over on the awakened eye:

I’ve lost track of which is which

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6 thoughts on “kitchen sink epiphany

  1. I have both books by Jan Frazer.Her experiences and the delightful descriptions of them is what helps me hang in here, allowing the blocks to Love and presence to fall away
    Much love and warm hugs

    • I agree Leelah – Jan’s writing is both helpful and inspiring. I’d recommend her books to anyone, but especially to those who have had a taste of the Timeless and are experiencing the inevitable adjustments in their everyday life. In my experience, this kind of writing is rare.

      Hoping you are staying warm!
      Love always

  2. Oh, I want to go all rational and classificational…

    I can identify with a being with almost none of the same atoms or cells or even beliefs and memories- though sharing some- me aged 10, or 80- and know that being was/ will be conscious…

    And then whatever physical object the process that I call me will become will stop ingesting, and start to decay.

    And other humans, giraffes, aliens will perceive their surroundings, and perception will continue-

    is it only in that way that “it never ends”?

    • Dear Clare – I love your comment! Trouble is, I have to “go all rational and classificational” to attempt a reply, because this visceral (mystical?) somatic knowing is way on the other side of the mind and thought’s angling. Equally problematic is the attempt to express it in lumbering dualistic language…

      I’ll try express my own ‘take’, as it has slowly clarified over the years. It involves a shift from the sense that Aliveness-Awareness (and Its tools of perception) is something we “have” to It being something that “has us” as its capacity to experience Creation. That capacity appears to be subject to the laws of entropy, and it runs out of steam when its parts are no longer upgradeable. It returns to earth and stardust. The Life that created, sustained and experienced Itself via that unique capacity is undiminished and unaffected. It goes on morphing and endlessly playing its awesome Game.

      “… humans, giraffes, aliens will perceive their surroundings, and perception will continue-…” Quite. But I’d say IT will perceive via humans, giraffes and aliens. And maybe rocks and planets and snowflakes. I don’t know. But I do know that Life’s got me by the nose ring, and I adore it!

      Love to you – and a very Happy New Year!

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