Yes, it’s a paradox. You’ve fallen into the wild knowing that the life you thought was ‘yours’, isn’t. It isn’t yours any more than the rise and fall of your overlooked breath. You are awake to your wild awakeness. Well, occasionally.
And yet the choices involved in being alive and healthy don’t go away. It’s a lie to assert that they do, and a trap to believe that they should. Every minute of every day choices are being made – in most cases, unconsciously. Patterns of conditioning are playing themselves out, tirelessly.
Wild awakeness – effortless awaring – has a knack of bringing robot-mind into focus. There’s a glimpse of the old reflexes groaning on.
And at that precise point a nanosecond window of opportunity opens – the story can change.
The ‘I’-stream, the lifestream, can flow in a fresh and unknown course.
(‘I’-stream? Lifestream? This language is being invented as writer-mind moves into ineffable territory. These terms imply something utterly non-personal. And yet wholly You.)
Life has no agenda other than its ongoing health, wellbeing and survival. It knows the score in these matters. And it knows when to withdraw its resources and start over. That can be pretty tough love.
But for those of us in whom Life still has an investment, the toughest love turns out to be Self-love. It scares us witless to ponder the ultimate unselfishness of Selfishness.
Yet Life has an awesome way of looking after itself once efforts to contain and control it are deconstructed. Notions that life needs saving act to build a mega dam across its path – a dam that generates dis-ease and stagnation.
The paradox is only apparent: whatever you choose – whatever – is the movement of Life as it branches, eddies, streams, dances, disappears underground, springs forth, tumbles, flattens out in depression, rages, murmurs, merges, evaporates … while it pretends to be You.
– miriam louisa
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